Sunday, August 8, 2010

Recluse


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So I may have disappeared for a few days…weeks. My sweet little 95-year-old grandma died and it made me really question a lot of things.
And therefore, hide.

I will start off saying that she died peacefully
Just how she wanted it, in her sleep.
No suffering or sadness leading up to it.
My great grandpa dies when I was about 8 and I don’t know that I really understood what was going on. This grandma is my first relative to die in my adult life.
I thought I would be devastated, cry myself to sleep every night.
Instead, I feel confused and unsettled.
Not about where she went, but by what I am doing.

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First area of confusion…religion.
I was raised Mormon until I was about 12.
Then nothing.
I have a sense of spirituality and when I am really scared or confused, I pray.
I feel comfortable with the idea that there is a God that protects me.
For a while, I was doubtful, but not now.
I want to believe that this is not it.
That this world is not my last chance.

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Since my grandma passed, I have been looking very closely to how I spend my time.
I have been thinking a lot about what I will leave behind.
What will people remember, what will I remember?
What moments in my life will I be proud of?
I want to be sure that everything that I do is because it will make me or someone that I love happy.

I don’t want to waste a minute of my life being idle.
I don’t want to function out of habit or just being comfortable.
I wonder if I live up to my full potential or if I am wasting myself.
All of this spinning around in my head all the time is making me slightly crazy.
Just slightly.

What do you think heaven is?
What makes you feel alive?


Love,
Nat

P.S. I know I have lots of letters to write back. I will do it soon, pinky swear.

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6 comments:

Danielle said...

Oh Nat this was so beautiful. I often feel the same way. I went through a phase where I guess I would have considered myself an atheist- I believed in nothing. Now that seems so insane to me and I can't believe I could have ever thought that. I'm not sure what I believe now- definitely in SOMETHING, not a religion whatsoever, but something. Still figuring it out. When one of my closest friends died a few years ago I went through similar feelings and it really shook me up. I hope one day I will be able to believe in something more than just a maybe or an idea of something, and have peace in my heart about what happens next. But regardless of what I am figuring out, I know your Grandma is in a beautiful place and for this we can be glad. <3

So much love xoxo

Courtney Rogers said...

Natty- come be Mormon with me. It will be ever so fun and lovely. You know what I believe, and it makes me happier than I ever thought possible. I love you!

Donna said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, I lost my Father last year so I know something about how you must be feeling. I never believed that the pain would go away but it does and the one thing that keeps me going is believing that he is in his little patch of Heaven whatever that may be!I'm one of your new penpals from The Penpal Project, just write whenever you feel up to it.
Sending love & hugs your way.
xoxo

Tiffany said...

Natalie~ First I am very sorry to hear about your grandma, losing someone simply SUCKS! Second, I totally understand what you mean about all of this. I was raised Mormon until I was about 10, now I am nothing, not a religious bone inside, and that works best for me. I know in my heart that I am a good person doing the best I can with life. Last year, my beautiful amazing mom died from a very short battle with brain cancer, she was my best friend, my rock, my favorite person in the world. I did not know how to live without her. But strength comes from the place inside you that you never knew existed until something like this happens. It is the way my mom lived her life that inspires me to get out of bed every day and live life to the fullest. Life, no matter how long we live, is simply too short.. It is not all about the big things, it is about the little things too. The family we have, the friends in our lives and the people we "meet" along the way.
I came upon this quote a few months ago and it has really helped!
I hope this helps you!! :)
It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I don't have any answers about religion but I have comfort in knowing that my mom is happy and always with me and she is proud of me and loves me. That is all I need to know I guess.
Let me know if you need to talk or anything. I'd love to!
~Tiffany

Teaching in a Jar said...

Very sorry for your loss Natalie! Please share my sympathy with your family. If it is any consolation, you inspire me. Every time I am around you, I feel very relaxed and reassured. You are always so honest, and forthcoming. Keep faith alive in your heart and you will always find your own way. Love you girl and know I am thinking about you!

Mandy said...

Hi. I came across your blog and I think it is beautiful! I am now a follower.

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss... Losing family is really hard. I am very close to my grandmother, and she has been having battling cancer for years now. I can't even think about losing her. I already lost my dear grandfather, so I understand the pain. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

As far as belief goes... I was raised in a Christian family, and unfortunately I came across a bunch of people who professed to be "Christians" and around college it sent me running at a break neck speed in the other direction. I was pretty hurt, and it made me pretty bitter. I pretty much ended up ignoring God and making a hell out of my life (seriously, I was a mess.)

To make a VERY long story short, I found that God is a relentless pursuer of my heart... No matter how far I ran, I found myself getting caught up in Jesus' unconditional love and grace.

I guess I just finally found rest for my weary, disillusioned by religion soul.

Anyway- sorry to be so personal the first time I comment! I really do love your blog and enjoy reading it!

Keep blogging and happy Wednesday!

-Mandy

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