So I may have disappeared for a few days…weeks. My sweet little 95-year-old grandma died and it made me really question a lot of things.
And therefore, hide.
I will start off saying that she died peacefully
Just how she wanted it, in her sleep.
No suffering or sadness leading up to it.
My great grandpa dies when I was about 8 and I don’t know that I really understood what was going on. This grandma is my first relative to die in my adult life.
I thought I would be devastated, cry myself to sleep every night.
Instead, I feel confused and unsettled.
Not about where she went, but by what I am doing.
First area of confusion…religion.
I was raised Mormon until I was about 12.
I have a sense of spirituality and when I am really scared or confused, I pray.
I feel comfortable with the idea that there is a God that protects me.
For a while, I was doubtful, but not now.
I want to believe that this is not it.
That this world is not my last chance.
Since my grandma passed, I have been looking very closely to how I spend my time.
I have been thinking a lot about what I will leave behind.
What will people remember, what will I remember?
What moments in my life will I be proud of?
I want to be sure that everything that I do is because it will make me or someone that I love happy.
I don’t want to waste a minute of my life being idle.
I don’t want to function out of habit or just being comfortable.
I wonder if I live up to my full potential or if I am wasting myself.
All of this spinning around in my head all the time is making me slightly crazy.
What do you think heaven is?
What makes you feel alive?
P.S. I know I have lots of letters to write back. I will do it soon, pinky swear.