Recluse

So I may have disappeared for a few days…weeks. My sweet little 95-year-old grandma died and it made me really question a lot of things.
And therefore, hide.

I will start off saying that she died peacefully
Just how she wanted it, in her sleep.
No suffering or sadness leading up to it.
My great grandpa dies when I was about 8 and I don’t know that I really understood what was going on. This grandma is my first relative to die in my adult life.
I thought I would be devastated, cry myself to sleep every night.
Instead, I feel confused and unsettled.
Not about where she went, but by what I am doing.



First area of confusion…religion.
I was raised Mormon until I was about 12.
Then nothing.
I have a sense of spirituality and when I am really scared or confused, I pray.
I feel comfortable with the idea that there is a God that protects me.
For a while, I was doubtful, but not now.
I want to believe that this is not it.
That this world is not my last chance.



Since my grandma passed, I have been looking very closely to how I spend my time.
I have been thinking a lot about what I will leave behind.
What will people remember, what will I remember?
What moments in my life will I be proud of?
I want to be sure that everything that I do is because it will make me or someone that I love happy.

I don’t want to waste a minute of my life being idle.
I don’t want to function out of habit or just being comfortable.
I wonder if I live up to my full potential or if I am wasting myself.
All of this spinning around in my head all the time is making me slightly crazy.
Just slightly.

What do you think heaven is?
What makes you feel alive?


Love,
Nat

P.S. I know I have lots of letters to write back. I will do it soon, pinky swear.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I have been listening to the song “Pursuit of Happiness” by Kid Cudi practically on repeat. It makes my heart flutter. I would put all the words on here but there is some slight cursing and I’m not trying to offend.

“Imma do just what I want
lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back
if I fall, if I die, know I lived it to the fullest
if I fall, if I die, know I lived and missed some bullets
I'm on the pursuit of happiness
and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good”

Maybe it is my 28th birthday looming over my head in a couple short weeks but I am feeling quite restless. I have been thinking about my life, my legacy, and if I really am living to my fullest potential. In my heart, I know that the answer is “no”. When I die, will I be satisfied looking back on my choices? I feel like I tend to play it safe; take the responsible route, the one that pleases everyone. Once upon a time I was exploding with creativity. I lived in Los Angeles, went to design school, and had dreams of moving to Paris for an internship. There was a point in my life when I made the decision to play it safe. I made a conscious choice to abandon my dreams. I though that I would end up lonely. I thought that following my dreams was selfish for some reason. Today, I don’t understand my own logic.
So here comes my own personal challenge. I am going to do something for myself

EVERY DAY

The thought sounds absurd, I know.

Instead of coming home from work, doing homework for a million hours, and going to bed, I am going to create something. Even if it is small or just a piece of something bigger, I am going to do it. And after I do it, I am going to document it. I will start out with 30 days.

It is my own pursuit of happiness, my mission for fulfillment and inspiration.
It sounds romantic but I have a feeling I am going to be sleeping less.
Probably cranky.



“It’ll be fun, it’ll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you, just something different. Isn’t this the point of being young? It’s your choice. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me; it’s one less minute you haven’t lived.”
-Gilmore Girls

Some pictures that make me feel “alive”:







All photos via weheartit.com

P.S. day one starts tomorrow








Love,
Nat

Think Green Thoughts

The past week has been pure insanity. By pure insanity I don’t necessarily mean that I had tons and tons to do. It was more like… I did not want to get off the couch, think, move, etc. Sometimes I can be one moody little mofo. What the heck? The worst part is when a cranky or sad mood starts to creep up on me, I focus on feeling bad about feeling bad and then it is like a big ugly domino effect. Why it is that feeling bad once in awhile is such a bad thing?
I often feel like if I have a bad day that people will see me as a negative person and never want to talk to me again. So then I suck it up and fake it. Well last week I got over faking it. Working full time, being a full time student, and a full time mom sometimes is just way too much “full time” responsibility. I did not do a stitch of homework last week. I turned in all of my assignments yesterday and they were not my best work in addition to being late. It kind of felt good. Maybe I don’t have to get an A in every class that I ever take. Maybe I don’t need to be mother of the year every day of my life. Maybe it is okay if I am too tired to be a good wife once in awhile. And maybe, just maybe, I do not need to be the number one employee all the time. Mid life crisis? I think yes.
Anyhow, today I feel back to myself for the most part. I decided to stop focusing on making everyone else happy all the time. I was looking at pictures and decided that at least once a week I am going to make inspiration boards. I get excited by pretty things, go figure. This week I picked a color that makes me happy: green. Green is such an invigorating, alive, and uplifting color. Dear green, I love you.





Photo credits: one, two, three, four, five, and six

Here’s to a happy week,
Nat